Jokes

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Φθινόπωρο και πρώτη μέρα στα θρανία για τους μαθητές του Αμερικανικού Κολεγίου. Η δασκάλα παρουσιάζει στα αμερικανάκια έναν καινούριο συμμαθητή τους τον Ιάπωνα Σακίρο Σουζούκι (γιο του διευθυντή της Σόνυ) και το μάθημα αρχίζει με μικρές ερωτήσεις ιστορίας.

– Για να δούμε λοιπόν, πόσο καλοί είστε στην αμερικανική ιστορία; λέει η δασκάλα. Ποιος είπε… «δώστε μου ελευθερία ή δώστε μου θάνατο»;

Κάποιοι μουρμουρίζουν αλλά κανείς δεν σηκώνει το χέρι του, εκτός από τον καινούργιο : Ο Πάτρικ Χένρυ το 1775 στη Φιλαδέφεια, απαντά.

– Μπράβο Σουζούκι, και ποιος είπε «Κυβέρνηση του λαού, από το λαό και για το λαό»; ξαναρωτά την τάξη η δασκάλα.

– Ο Αβραάμ Λίνκολν, το 1863 στο Γκέτυσμπουργκ, απαντά και πάλι ο Σουζούκι.

Η δασκάλα κοιτάζει αυστηρά την τάξη και λέει :
– Ντροπή σας. Ο Σουζούκι είναι γιαπωνέζος και ξέρει την αμερικανική ιστορία καλύτερα από σας

Τη σιωπή στην τάξη σπάει μια μικρή φωνή από τα πίσω θρανία :
– Ρε δεν πάτε να κoιμηθείτε όλοι, βλάκες γιαπωνέζοι

– Ποιος το είπε αυτό;;; ρωτάει αυστηρά η δασκάλα.

Ο Σουζούκι σηκώνει το χέρι του και χωρίς να περιμένει λέει : Ο στρατηγός Μακάρθουρ, το 1942, στη διώρυγα του Παναμά, και ο Λι Ιακόκα το 1982 στη γενική συνέλευση της Τζένεραλ Μότορς.

Η τάξη βυθίζεται στη σιωπή. «Θέλω να ξεράσω», ακούγεται μια φωνή – Ποιος το είπε αυτό;;; ξαναρωτάει με το ίδιο βλοσυρό ύφος η δασκάλα.

Και ο Σουζούκι πετάγεται πάλι : Ο Τζορτζ Μπους ο πρώτος, στον πρωθυπουργό Τανάκα κατά τη διάρκεια επίσημου δείπνου στο Τόκιο το 1991.

Ένας μαθητής σηκώνεται όρθιος και ξεσπάει : Ρε δε μας παίρνεις καμιά πίπα, λέω γω.

Και ο Σουζούκι, ψύχραιμα : Μπιλ Κλίντον στη Μόνικα Λουίνσκι το 1997, στο οβάλ γραφείο του Λευκού Οίκου.

Δυο-τρεις μαθητές πετάγονται και φωνάζουν : Α χασου ρε βλαμένο, Σουζούκι.

Ατάραχος ο γιαπωνέζος : Βαλεντίνο Ρόσι, παγκόσμιο πρωτάθλημα μοτοσικλέτας, ράλι Νότιας Αφρικής, το 2002.

Κόλαση στην τάξη, οι μαθητές ουρλιάζουν και πετάνε καρέκλες, η δασκάλα έχει σωριαστεί λιπόθυμη και ξαφνικά ανοίγει η πόρτα και μπαίνει ο διευθυντής : Ε, μα την Παναγία δεν έχω ξαναδεί τέτοιο μπουρδέλο.

Και στο βάθος ακούγεται πάλι η φωνή του Σουζούκι :  Ο πρωθυπουργός της Ελλάδας, Γιώργος Παπανδρέου, το 2011, στο τελευταίο υπουργικό συμβούλιο της κυβέρνησής του.

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, “Why are you here?”  The Schnauzer responds, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well. I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.” The Schnauzer asks the poodle, “Why are you here?” The Poodle responds, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.” The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, “My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn’t help myself.” The Poodle asks, “So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?” The Great Dane says, “No, I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.” (By John Vassiliades)

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and as usual those crooks deducted $95. (By Christos Ioannou)

The 80-year-old Stud It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said to the old man, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running,” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said to the guy, “You must be quite a man.” He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.” (By Christos Ioannou)

A plane is on its way to New York when a blonde in coach gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The stewardess watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for coach and that she has to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m staying right here!” The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot that there is some blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in coach and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for coach, she must return to her seat in coach. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m staying right here!” The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason. The pilot replied, ” Let me try, I am married to a blonde, I have learned to speak blonde!” He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the coach section. The stewardess and the co-pilot are both amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her first class wasn’t going to New York.” (By Christos Ioannou)

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $5. “Why so little”, she asked the storeowner. The storeowner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you firstthat this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and that sometimes it says some pretty vulgar staff”. The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in the living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around and said, “New house new madam”. The woman was a bid shoked at the implication but then thought, “that’s not so bad”. When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls”. The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about it. Then, moments later the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Keith! We have some real young ones today”.  (By Christos Ioannou)

The old ones are the best (By George Kounis)

Quickie #1 One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get the hell out.”

Quickie #3 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ “Can you read this?” the optician
asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Quickie #5 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” “Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of Chardonnay.”

The 10 Commandments in marriage (by Socratis Nikopoulos)
1) Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

2) If you want your wife to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

3) Marriage is grand and divorce is at least 100 grand!

4) Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

5) When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

6) Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

7) Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

8) Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

9) Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

10) A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Sex on Mars. The year is 2225, and after accumulating enough frequent flyer miles, Mike and Michelle land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. They ask if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. “So, just how do you guys do it?” asks Mike. “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian man. A discussion ensues and the couples decide to swap partners for the night to experience one another. Michelle the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. Much to Michelle’s surprise, he’s got a teeny, tiny member – only about an inch long, and a quarter of an inch around. “Oh, I don’t think this is going to work,” says Michelle. ”Why?” he asks. “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me.” “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grows until it’s quite long. “Well, that’s quite impressive, but I still don’t think it’ll work.” “Why not?” asks the Martian. “Well, it’s still so narrow; I probably wouldn’t be able to feel it.” ”No problem!” he says again, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, it grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is very exciting to Michelle. “Wow!” she exclaims, and they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love all night long. The next day the couples rejoin their partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “You know, it really was.” “How about for you?” asks Michelle. “Oh, it was awful,” replies Mike. “Really, why is that?” asks Michelle. “Because all she did was keep slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!” (By Socratis Nikopoulos)

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed low and fast, directly toward a foursome of men playing the neighboring hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately fell to the ground, curled up, rolling around in agony, with his hands clasped together at his groin. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please let me help. I’m a remedial therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him. “Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied, but he was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.  At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes and asked, “How does that feel?”  He replied, “It feels great .but my thumb still hurts like hell!!!” (By George Kounis)

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi…..you know, I just HATE drawing welfare; I’d really rather have a job”. The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas vacation trips and also satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage with a starting salary is $200,000 a year.” The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!” The social worker says, “Yeah, well..you started it.” (By George Kounis)

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.” “OK,” the little girl says, “how much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” “That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom won’t tell me anything about herself,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?” “And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?” “Because you got an F in sex.” (By George Kounis)

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, ‘Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.’ Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.’ Sister Mary Katherine said, ‘Hard bed.’ ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ the Priest said, ‘we will get you a better bed.’ After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest…’You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.’ “Cold food,’ said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. You may say two words today.’ ‘I quit,’ said Sister Mary Katherine. ‘It’s probably best’, said the Priest, ‘You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here!’ (By George Kounis)

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. “I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s life.”  “No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.  “Is that your son?” the nobleman asked. “Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.  “I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.” And that he did. Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.  The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name?  Sir Winston Churchill. (By George Kounis)

Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Live like it’s Heaven on Earth. (By George Kounis)

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.” The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.” The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.” The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?” (By Christos Ioannou)

The kiss of wife. A husband and wife visit a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife starts ranting, listing every problem they’ve had during their marriage. She goes on and on until, suddenly the counselor gets up walks around the desk and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up immediately and sits in a daze with a smile on her face. The counselor turns to the husband and says, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week, can you do it?” The husband replies “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I’m out drinking.” (By Michalis Vassiliades)

Q: How did the redneck die drinking milk? A: The cow sat on him! (By Michalis Vassiliades)

Hot pursuit. Two blond girls, Sheila and Kylie, were out driving in a new sports car. “Look out for caps, I am going to see how fast we can go.” says Sheila. After five miles of driving like Jenson Button, Sheila looks across to Kylie and asks “can you see any cops?” “Yes I can” Kylie replies “Are their lights on?” Sheila asks and Kylie replies “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.” (By Michalis Vassiliades)

A man is driving his new BMW Z3 convertible down the motorway. He floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing!” he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him – no problem!” thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, “What on earth am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense!” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver’s side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” said the policeman. (By George Kounis)

If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it. -Herodotus 

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